Teaching Boys About Patriarchal Masculinity: A Review of Bell Hooks’ "The Will to Change"

Summary:

This post reviews Bell Hooks’ The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love and explores what it teaches us about patriarchy, men, and love. While patriarchy has historically privileged men, Hooks argues it also wounds them deeply by teaching boys to suppress emotion and equating masculinity with domination. This does not erase the reality that women suffer far more under patriarchy, but it does challenge us to consider how both men and women can work together to dismantle toxic structures. Teaching boys emotional literacy, accountability, and love is one of the most powerful tools we have to end cycles of harm.

Defining Patriarchy and Patriarchal Masculinity

Hooks begins by reminding us that patriarchy is not simply “men in power” but “a political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak, especially females” (The Will to Change, p. 18). This system creates what she calls patriarchal masculinity—a social script that forces boys and men to reject vulnerability, equate worth with control, and silence their emotional lives.

The tragic result is that boys are trained to see love, care, and tenderness as weaknesses. As Hooks writes: “The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead, patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves” (p. 66).

Men Benefit—But They Also Pay a Price

A central tension Hooks addresses is whether men only benefit from patriarchy. Some feminist discourse has treated men as unilaterally privileged, while women are unilaterally harmed. Hooks pushes back. She makes clear that “men are not the enemy; patriarchy is” (p. 33).

Yes, men benefit materially and socially from patriarchal structures. But Hooks argues that this benefit comes at a cost: isolation, shame, addiction, broken families, and a fundamental inability to connect. She explains, “Patriarchy has damaged men by teaching them that to be real men they must dehumanize themselves” (p. 27).

This does not excuse men’s violence or minimize women’s suffering—Hooks is adamant that women’s oppression is greater and must remain centered. Instead, she reframes the struggle: if men are also dehumanized by patriarchy, then they too have a stake in dismantling it.

Love as the Missing Piece

Perhaps the most powerful argument of the book is Hooks’ insistence that men are not taught how to love. She writes, “The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by patriarchal masculinity. To heal, men must return to that place of loss and reconnect with their hearts” (p. 17).

Hooks identifies love as not just an emotion, but an ethic—a practice rooted in honesty, care, respect, responsibility, and commitment. Without it, men grow up emotionally starved. They replace intimacy with control, status, or sex. They learn to perform power instead of practicing love. And society pays the price.

Missing Conversations: Fathers, Friendship, and Work

Hooks dedicates chapters to themes that are often left out of discussions on masculinity:

• Fatherhood: Fathers are often reduced to providers. Hooks calls for a new vision: “The measure of good fathering is not provision of money but provision of care, presence, guidance, and love” (p. 114).

• Friendship: Men are isolated from deep, vulnerable friendships. Rebuilding brotherhood rooted in openness rather than competition is essential.

• Work and Worth: Tying manhood to provision leaves men spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. Hooks warns, “When men see work as their only source of identity, loss of that role brings despair” (p. 97).

• Spirituality: She insists healing masculinity requires practices of humility, truth, and compassion—whether rooted in religion or not.

The Divide Between Men and Women Today

In today’s society, the divide between men and women often feels wider than ever. Online spaces are filled with battles over who has it worse. Hooks foresaw this problem, warning against a zero-sum framing of gender struggle: “When feminist women act as if men are only oppressors, not also oppressed, we fail to see their pain and we deny ourselves allies in the struggle” (p. 73).

She argues that true feminism requires both accountability and empathy. Women must continue to resist violence and inequality, but also recognize that men’s inability to love is not innate—it is taught. And men must face their conditioning honestly, taking responsibility to unlearn domination and practice vulnerability.

What Men Can Do

• Learn emotional literacy. Practice naming feelings beyond “fine” or “angry.”

• Redefine strength. See courage in vulnerability, apology, and care.

• Rebuild friendship. Create male spaces where real emotional support is possible.

• Embrace accountability. When harm is caused, take responsibility and repair.

• Practice love as an ethic. Build relationships on respect, honesty, and responsibility.

What Women (and Communities) Can Do

• Avoid writing men off as beyond help. Recognize that patriarchy harms them too.

• Support accountability with care. Encourage men to change without excusing harm.

• Model shared power. In families, schools, and communities, reward collaboration, not domination.

• Celebrate men’s vulnerability. Affirm men when they risk honesty and tenderness.

Why This Matters for Mental Warfare

At Mental Warfare, we believe the real fight is within. Hooks’ work is a blueprint for that internal battle. Dismantling patriarchy requires more than pointing fingers—it requires teaching boys and men that love, vulnerability, and connection are strengths.

At the same time, it requires women and allies to hold men accountable while recognizing their capacity for transformation.

The goal is not to minimize the suffering of women—Hooks is clear that women’s oppression is greater. Instead, it is to show that no one wins under patriarchy. Both men and women lose their humanity when love is treated as weakness.

Final Thoughts

The Will to Change is not simply a book about men—it’s a call for collective healing. Hooks challenges us to raise boys differently, to teach men how to love, and to rebuild trust between women and men. She reminds us that patriarchy is not destiny. It is a system we can unlearn, together.

“Patriarchy has no gender.” (p. 30)

That sentence captures Hooks’ vision: the struggle against domination requires all of us.

Citation

Hooks, B. (2004). The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love. Atria Books.